April 2010
1 post
“WILL DROP PANTS TO TRADE HAYNESWORTH”
– text from my friend greg after rumors started flying that albert haynesworth is on the trading block (even after the skins/mcnabb deal was signed, sealed, delivered). apparently things like “working out,” and “participating” and “not being an over-glorified asshole and just playing nose tackle...
March 2010
11 posts
good things
reblogged from Carly allgood:
“All his life he would hold this moment as exemplary of what love was. It was not wanting anything more, nor was it expecting people to exceed what they had just accomplished; it was simply feeling so complete.”
-quote from A Widow for One Year, by John Irving, one of my (and apparently Carly’s) favorite books of all time.
what a lovely quote to start...
“Shut the f*ck up!”
– An unnamed pro football prospect to Tim Tebow after Tebow asked him and a few others to bow their heads in prayer before taking the Wonderlic test (an intelligence test given to college football players by pro scouts). (via cajunboy)
While I generally don’t support being openly rude to people,...
teams that are dead to me (so far): NCAA tournie...
Texas: dead to me
Temple: dead to me
Marquette: dead to me
Richmond: so, so dead to me
Georgetown: WTF IS JUICE
more teams that are dead to me, as of March 22:
Pitt: wha, Xavier too hot to handle?
Villanova: you assholes
Clemson: dead to me
Louisville: dead to me
Kansas: GO KILL YOURSELVES
quarterback controversy in DC...again
so, welcome to DC, Rex Grossman.
oh boy, I can’t WAIT to get you on our battered o-line. you’re going to do GREAT. seriously JUST FINE.
I don’t want another god damn battered player. DO YOU HEAR ME, MIKE SHANAHAN AND BRUCE ALLEN. stop wasting all our FA moneys on stupid injured players. I’m actually pretty torn about this, because we all know Jason Campbell kind of...
ways to avoid those pesky greenpeace kids who bug...
greenpeace jerk: hi can you spare a minute for the environment?
andrew: oh I can't I gotta... [points to starbucks coffee cup]
greenpeace jerk: hey, how about a minute to save the rainforest?
david: what do I have to do, just listen to you?
greenpeace jerk: well, there's lots of things you can do--
david: like sign something?
greenpeace jerk: well, yes, and--
david: and then you'll have my name?
greenpeace jerk: yeah well--
david: and you'll want my contact info too right?
greenpeace jerk: I mean, if you're willing to volunteer or anything--
david: so it's not just "a minute" to save the rainforest, it's more like "sign up and let us send you stuff to keep our non-profit status with the government," right?
greenpeace jerk: you could have just kept walking, dude. I've been out here for like 5 hours.
david: we've been chatting for about a minute. how much of the rainforest do you think we just saved?
greenpeace jerk: hi, do you have 30 seconds to help out the environment?
sarah: I'm an eco-terrorist.
OMG GET ME OUT OF THIS STATE →
Gay and lesbian couples get state-approval to marry in D.C.: one step forward. VA Attorney General/right-wing assbag Ken Cuccinelli does not extend legal protection to gays and lesbian on VA public university campuses: one step back. Furthermore, VA Governor elect Bob McDonnell backs Cuccinelli’s discriminatory policies on homosexuals on campus. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS REDNECK STATE.
lent FAIL
david: how is your lent abstaining-from-cookies-non-jewish-experience treating you?
me: eh I gave up after drinking buckets of beer at russian house and eating a box of vanilla oreos. well, there was that, and also the girl scout cookies I ordered arrived, so I ate about a box of those already as well.
david: at least you went out in style.
Dear assholes in DC who are trying [yet again] to...
hey douchebags, what’s up? how was your trip from san francisco? are you through being complete prejudicial dickheads there, now that the state is in financial ruin and now one wants to live there because you hate gays AND THAT WAS LIKE, THE GAY CAPITOL OF THE UNITED STATES? <—-way to go on that one.
ANYWAY, now that you’re nicely settled into DC, starting up shit, let me be...
February 2010
7 posts
EVERYBODY FREAK OUT
so, there I was, last week at this time, enjoying life: working at a job that I don’t particularly like but I have [a tiny, little bit of] money in my pocket, living with/right next to my best friends, sending out those applications to graduate education programs to inspire future generations and help reform our nation’s education system, seeing jake every weekend or so—you...
new study finds that women lose 90% of their eggs...
so, the washington post published an article today about how a new study finds that once women reach age 30, their lose 90%—90%—-of all of their eggs. not news: women’s fertility goes down as they grow older. but holy shit, 90% of all the eggs your women parts produce will be gone by the time you’re 30??
I read this article this morning and have been, surprisingly, sort of...
me: I've given up cookies for lent.
chris: it appears you've also given up judiasm for lent.
for fans/haters of facebook →
…comes lamebook, the greatest, most hilarious laugh-out-loud site that totally rips on facebook. now, true, I FB stalk with the best of them, but I pride myself in abstaining from horrible FB habits, like obsessive-compulsive FB status updates (i.e. “Sarah is doing laundry! Sarah is at work! Sarah is on her way home from work! Sarah is home from work!” and so on), TMI airing of...
pro bowl 2010 omg SO BORING
true story definitely said it best: the nfl pro bowl is like, so completely pointless and irrelevant, especially this year, when it (for whatever reason ECONOMY) was held the weekend before the superbowl. I tuned it for a bit to watch peyton manning and drew brees spar it out—which turned into an ego-petting session, weird—and I caught a few minutes of missed, careless tackles, sloppy...
January 2010
3 posts
gym etiquette 101, or "don't spot me, bro!"
so, I work out sometimes. no big deal, some cardio, I like playing pick up basketball, rocking out to tunes I would never, ever admit to enjoying in public. throughout my half-assed gym career, I have focused mostly on “lower body” routines. one of my new year’s resolutions was to put some time into my upper body and, more specifically, do 1 pull up. yes, I can not do any pull...
happy tuesday.
me [via text]: where should we meet for lunch today?
andrew [via text]: my butt.
second post with the title "I'M BACK," FAIL(?)
hello world/parents.
so, as many of you know, I temporarily abandoned my beloved tumblr to do some glorious football writing with my brothers. view from the bench went swimmingly, until both of my brothers jumped ship, the redskins sucked harder than anything has ever sucked before, the friggin’ COWBOYS started winning, and I lost all hope. plus, football season is like, over. I vowed to...
September 2009
1 post
Signing off....?
Dear everyone,
You’ve probably been wondering where the hell I have been the last month or so. Well, it happened. I created another football blog. Kicking myself for letting my last one fall slack, I recruiting my little brother/football statistic-remembering bot and started another football analysis site. And for the past month, it’s been alive and strong. In between filings and...
August 2009
8 posts
sarah: I am 90% sure I just saw rock cartwright [RB for the skins] walking around with some chick in dupont circle.
julia [of truestory.tumblr.com]: punt to him and see if he returns it.
sarah: eh, he took it five or six yards up the middle then got tangled up.
julia: well, that means its really rock cartwright.
welcome home!
guess who is leaving the nest!
[insert witty photo of bird flying out of nest here. I spent valuable minutes searching the internets for a picture, then I got annoyed and realized how much time I had wasted, so use your damn imagination]
that’s right! I’m moving out! to beautiful, downtown falls church, va!
ooh, um. ok. well, it’s in there somewhere.
I can’t wait to...
gross
sarah: sorry to bother you, [super-important/brilliant/high-powered partner I work for], but would you mind signing this correspondence to our foreign associate regarding our change to this case? I brought a pen.
high-powered partner: that's not the one I've seen you with in your mouth, is it?
“The Vikings appear to have taken “Cash for Clunkers” a little bit too far.”
– Jake, on Farve (via truestory)
awesome.
shotgun edition: "god damnit, brett farve"
once, a long time—well, months—ago, I started this football blog called “shotgun on 4th and 1”, where I would more or less do what I do here, only it would just be football. it was pretty good while it lasted, but it got old, not only because I started it in the off season, and there wasn’t much to write about, other than unfounded draft...
happy birthday, true story →
its my blog/real life pal julia’s birthday today. we’ve been “following” each other’s blogs (read: “stalking each other”) since we both started graduate programs a couple years ago (she’s a baller-ass law student in new york). she’s also some sort of genius baby and might be the youngest person in law school ever. either way, her stuff is...
fitting in
[last friday] male coworker: so, what are you doing this weekend?
sarah: well, tonight I'm seeing "district 9," then saturday maybe playing some basketball or something outside, then sunday I need to put my fantasy football draft plan together.
male coworker: boy, your weekend sounds significantly more manly than mine.
I'M BACK
howdy!
buddy jesus says welcome back!
it sure has been several long, painful weeks of soul searching, not working out, going to the beach with my parents, completely altering my life plans, starting to pay back my grueling student loans, playing with our pug puppy, drinking heavily with friends from high school, moving back in with my parents, not having money, starting work at a fancy-smhancy...
July 2009
1 post
so.
yeah. its been awhile. in during that while I have been tackling some [less than stellar] massive life changes, including NOT moving to philly—actually moving back in with my parents—gearing up to start a mind-numbing job, and contemplating my personal and professional future.
so yeah. updates to come, as soon as I get my sanity back in order.
June 2009
2 posts
dr. complainy-pants or, "how I learned to stop...
whoa! wtf! its been like, several weeks since I have put up anything that doesn’t make me briefly consider suicide after proofreading it. yes, I am still unemployed. yes, I am still in charlottesville. yes, I have no money. and yes, I will be living on my (ahem) own when I move to philly, which will hopefully be sooner than later. yes, all these things happened in the past month or so, damn...
here’s what was supposed to happen:
-I was supposed to land a great job, on account of my great (horribly expensive and time-consuming) education from a nationally recognized school/graduate program.
-I was supposed to be able to move out of charlottesville by June to Philadelphia, where I have been wanting to move for the past 2 years.
-I was supposed to move in with my boyfriend.
-I...
May 2009
4 posts
I graduated today.
of course, it was rainy and cold today, as opposed to sunny and warm the day before. we all woke up hungover from the night before and exhausted, and even though my entire family and a couple of my friends were here, only my parents and I went to the procession ceremony in the morning. my three best friends from grad school did not walk, and my other two good friends slept in...
typical gchat
andrew: where are you
me: hey whats up
andrew: http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Turn_The_Beat_Around/1257846
me: I'm not clicking that link to a gloria estefon song, you ass
andrew: [sends link to someecard that reads "allow me to take the pressure of your job search by informing you that no one's hiring"]
me: oh, thanks
andrew: [sends link to "live puppy feed"]
me: stop sending me stupid links!
“HEY YOU KNOW YOU WOULD GET MORE POWER OUT OF YOUR LEGS IF YOU RAISE YOUR SEAT....”
– this has been yelled at me five times, FIVE TIMES, since I started riding my bike around town. I KNOW. I don’t know how to raise the seat and there may be a pin-hole leak in my front tire. so THANK YOU, charlottesville.
newsflash: hipsters are the worst people on the... →
someone has the genius idea to come up with a site called “look at this fucking hipster” where they post ridiculous pictures of hipsters (mostly in nyc, it seems) and add hilarious comments. I just looked through the entire thing. genius!
April 2009
6 posts
swine flu: what you need to know
SWINE FLU!
so, there has been a lot of buzz going on, well, everywhere in the world about the latest outbreak. this time it’s “swine flu,” also known as “H1V1,” also known as “swine bird flu,” or “bird swine flu,” or something. its on every god damn channel, freaking everyone the fuck out, and its headlining every newspaper right now. after...
why my 24th birthday seems like it would suck but...
oh, hey, by the way. I haven’t posted anything here in, like, weeks. probably because I was home for passover, and in philly slugging around jake’s parents’ house, not working out, watching stupid movies (do NOT see “wanted”…its terrible).
but back to the subject.
turning 24 seems like it will suck. your 21st birthday is the ultimate, because you can finally...
siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh
two years ago today I got into UVA’s graduate program. EXACTLY two years ago today. I remember, two years ago at this time, I was freaking out about not getting into graduate school, wondering what I would be doing the following year, then, one afternoon, I came home, checked my admission status online, and it randomly said “ADMIT.” I freaked out, jumped around my living room,...
“The best film reviews don’t just tell you what they liked or didn’t...”
– virginia press association 2008 awards breakdown. last year I won second place in the region for critical writing. this year, first place. boo yah.
March 2009
10 posts
at least one thing is going my way today
my mom sent me the latest pics of the pug puppy we’re getting, and sweet mother of god they are adorable. looking into their eyes almost makes me forget that my life is most likely ruinedabout that shit that happened yesterday. we’re visiting it this weekend, and I CAN NOT WAIT.
this legitmately happened to me yesterday while...
me: [while jogging on suburban street with no traffic, trying to forget about horrible phishing scam I may have fallen for, stops because notices flashing lights behind me]
rent-a-cop with heavy southern accent who pulled me over: excuse me miss, I need to stop you for a minute.
me: [baffled] excuse me?
cop: now, I won't give you a ticket, but you are jogging on the wrong side of the road.
me: [still baffled] um, excuse me?
cop: when you're jogging at dusk [note: it was 6:30pm and still light outside] you need to be jogging on the left side of the road so that oncoming cars can see you.
me: [still baffled] um, ok.
cop: like I said, I won't give you a ticket, but you need to move on over.
me: [still baffled] uh...
cop: ok you have a good day now. [turns off lights, drives off]
me: [still baffled]
dear assholes who hacked into UVA's email system...
hey, how are you guys doing? hows the weather over there in japan/china/korea/western africa/some basement in baghdad/eastern russia/a bomb shelter in vietnam/the fiji islands? are you comfortable in your hideout?
hey, just wanted to say, thank you so much for hacking into uva’s integrated email system yesterday morning. I mean, what a neat idea, disguising yourself as uva’s...